Why can't we have both?

AND versus BUT

Last Thursday I was walking along the path towards the lighthouse in Byron Bay. The day was warm and breezy and the scent of spring was in the air.

She’s beautiful, I thought to myself as I passed a young smiling brunette.

That’s not unusual, I’ve often encountered beautiful women, and men, as I go about my day-to-day life.

But there was something a little different in the way I approached it this time.

I just noted her beauty without comparing it to my own. Actually I did more than that. I included an extra thought: Can I admire her beauty AND also see it in myself?

And that thought stopped me in my tracks.

I realised how often there had been a ‘but’ or a version of a but, such as a ‘more’ or ‘less’. Essentially, a comparison of sorts.

She’s more beautiful…than me.

She’s more beautiful, and younger…than me.

She can wear those short shorts…but I can’t any longer.

She has unmarked and supple skin…unlike my own.

You get the drift.

It wasn’t so much that I never saw my own, but I had it on a scale.

This doesn’t just apply to beauty, it applies to so many other aspects of life.

She’s a more gifted teacher than…

He’s older than…

She earns more money than…

It’s cheaper than…

That’s better than…

For women it’s particularly harsh. The maiden in all her springtime glory is too often pedestaled, so for the rest of our lives we are moving further and further away from the societal epitome of woman. We move further and further along the scale until we are at the opposite end. This is to both our detriment and the detriment of the wider world.

I know this now. But it’s been a long and winding road to my arrival at this place — to an AND versus a BUT. To believing that what I have or am is not worse or better than another, but unique to me.

I like to say that we are each a dense form of the same energy. I sometimes take out a large white piece of paper and draw dots all over it. The white background our sameness, our source; the dots the markers of our differences.

Interestingly, when I look at the key points of my journey that have got me here, to this place of mutual admiration and acceptance (mostly), it’s been my health challenges, transition to menopause, heartbreak(s) and my past year embracing and owning my Judaism in a time when it’s being tainted by so many.

I realised it was never enough to only say, ‘I’m ok just as I am’. Somehow it needed to be embodied. It had to be a felt feeling. And the felt feeling was about discovering how to move my way, which by the way isn’t only one way. The Sharon-way simply means moving like Sharon, which can change from minute to minute, day to day.

There is no one definition of sexy or sensual, kind or generous, playful or witty. There is my version and there is your version.

Last week I delivered a session at a retreat for women at Vera Wellness. It was a bit like my dream job, barefoot under a wise old fig tree, with pea hens waddling past and a child climbing the stairs to the cubby in the tree. The wind tussled my hair and the sun coloured my nose, but it felt like the only place in the world women should ever learn about their bodies and beings.

I finished the session with 10 minutes of embodied movement. Tears welled as my eyes scanned the participants. Every woman moved differently, but every woman moved beautifully. The difference is actually what made it beautiful. Our separateness makes us whole. Each dot in my drawing looks slightly different but each dot makes up the whole. How boring and lacking of colour would it have been like if every woman moved in the exact same manner.

I’m making the intention these days to use AND more often.

AND enables me to be ok as I am now, as well as grow, evolve, expand.

AND enables me to accept the present and also accept my yearnings for the future.

AND enables me to be grateful and hopeful.

AND enables me to be more inclusive, compassionate and generous as with AND there is room for everyone.

Whereas, BUT always makes the moment feel less than and the future or past seem better.

It makes me feel like I could do better and it feeds the ‘not good enough’ spiraling narrative.

It also means that I have to use the comparison scale, whereas AND doesn’t compare.

I like to imagine a world where this passing thought on my walk infiltrates the way we all approach one another. Imagine a world where we all see the beauty in each other. The equality of one another. Where we are linked by an AND.

With love

Sharon